


Kakuzu, Hidan, and the Twelve Foot Skeleton

by zombie_honeymoon



Category: Naruto
Genre: 12 foot skeleton, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crack Treated Seriously, Dark Humor, F/F, Halloween, Implied Rough Sex, It's consensual, KakuHida Week 2020, M/M, Misunderstandings, Suspected Cheating
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-27
Updated: 2020-10-27
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:27:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27107194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zombie_honeymoon/pseuds/zombie_honeymoon
Summary: Hidan is sent to the Home Depot for supplies so Kakuzu can finish winterizing their home, but while there he meets, falls in love and becomes obsessed with the twelve foot skeleton. Kakuzu notices Hidan acting strangely and fears he may be cheating.
Relationships: Hidan/Kakuzu (Naruto), Terumi Mei/Tsunade
Comments: 15
Kudos: 87
Collections: KakuHida Week





	Kakuzu, Hidan, and the Twelve Foot Skeleton

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Какузу, Хидан и двенадцатифутовый скелет](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27440116) by [Tiferet (taubenblautiferet)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/taubenblautiferet/pseuds/Tiferet)



> Submitted for KakuHida Week 2020 for the Day 3 prompt: 'Bad Neighbors.

Kakuzu stepped off the ladder and rolled his eyes at Hidan who was hanging up yet more of his Halloween decorations. What a waste of money they were, but at least he kept most of them to re-use over and over again. Though each year his collection grew. Kakuzu found he really didn’t mind so much. It made Hidan happy and a happy Hidan was less likely to get into trouble. An added bonus was it bothered their nextdoor neighbors, Tsunade and Mei, to no end. 

Although having the police called because they thought someone had hung themselves from the roof wasn’t all that fun. Trying to explain to the cops that it was his stupid husband’s stupid decoration and not a real body hanging from the second story roof was useless. 

In the end Kakuzu had had to climb up on the roof and remove the offensive decoration for inspection all while two sets of eyes watched from the upstairs window next door. He was sure he heard laughing from them, but when he looked, all he saw was angry glares.

Hidan had laughed his ass off when he got home from work and heard about it, but was disappointed he couldn’t hang up that particular decoration any more. They ended up selling it online and Hidan bought new stuff. 

That night Hidan had left a passive aggressive note for their neighbors that was more aggressive than not. It did nothing to endear Hidan to them, and Kakuzu watched from the window as Tsunade tore it to pieces and threw it back into their driveway the following morning. Not before she took a picture of it though.

Their relationship with several other neighbors quickly deteriorated after that. Neighbors who would say hello, or wave, stopped doing so and began to ignore them, even giving them dirty looks. 

Kakuzu had learned through Sasori, who lived nowhere near them, that they were often talked about on a neighborhood app, and many people had many complaints about them. Sometimes even posting their complaints to twenty nine neighborhoods. The record had been fifty six, which was how Sasori knew about it at all. 

* * *

Hidan had just finished hanging a large spider and stepped back to admire it, “Not bad, huh?” 

“It looks great, the same as it did the last several years. Hidan, run to the Home Depot and get a pack of roofing nails, and some replacement air filters. We’re out and I want to finish this before we get any storms.” 

“Aww, but I’m busy!” Hidan whined.

“No you’re not. I’m busy fixing things around here that can’t wait. You’re just busy decorating, and that can wait. Go get those things for me.”  
  
“Yeah, yeah… don’t get a bee up your ass…” Hidan paused and grinned, “get me up your ass instead!”

“I’ll pass,” Kakuzu said without a moment of hesitation and grabbed a rake to start cleaning up the yard. Hidan pouted and left his precious decorations, warning Kakuzu not to throw them out, that he knew _exactly_ what there was and would notice. Then he went inside to grab his keys, wallet and phone, and was on his way to the Home Depot. Being sure to squeal his tires in front of Tsunade and Mei’s house, even though it looked like no one was home.

Hidan actually enjoyed shopping at the Home Depot, and grabbed a cart as he went in the door closest to the lumbar area so he could check out the circular saw blades. 

“You can never have too many blades… Oooh, diamond coated… Kakuzu will like that,” he said to himself as he took one, not knowing if they actually needed one or not. Then he went to look at the axes and swung one to see how it felt.

“Oh yeah…” Hidan said to himself, “That’s real nice…” He gave it another swing and turned to put it back and jumped, startled to find an employee standing behind him, “What the fuck, man?! Who sneaks up on someone like that, someone with an axe, I might add!”  
  
“Excuse me, sir, but you can’t swing axes around like that in here. If you continue, I’m going to call security and ask you to leave.”

As he narrowed his eyes, Hidan replaced the axe and pushed his cart down the aisle, muttering about how he _wished_ they’d call security on him… 

Next he found the roofing nails, then went to look for the air filter replacements. Kakuzu always changed the filters, Hidan never knew that was something that had to be done before they moved in together. He didn’t even know that the air intake vents opened but was shocked and disgusted by how dirty and dusty they could get while Kakuzu was disgusted at what all he might have been breathing in when he visited Hidan.

Kakuzu had texted him the size and brand to get, and he easily found them. Surprisingly the good ones were in stock. Once that was done, Hidan went to look at the holiday section. All the Halloween decorations were out and he was admiring some bats and spiders when someone at the other end of the aisle caught his attention. 

“Oh sweet lord... A _man..._ ” Hidan breathed, feeling his heart race as he looked into his eyes.

A giant skeleton, with light up eyes that were simply mesmerizing. It called to Hidan, beckoning with an outstretched bony hand, he felt as if it were looking right at him. Hidan pushed the cart down to stand before it. So enraptured by the skeleton, he almost ran over a small child along the way and flipped off the parents who told him to watch where he was going. 

“Wow… that is so fucking awesome…”  
  
It was twelve feet tall, towering above him and Hidan simply loved the angle he was at. It looked like the skeleton was looking down at him, just the way Kakuzu looked down at him when he was on his knees, sucking his dick.

Hidan felt his cheeks heat up and he laughed to himself. It was perfect, it would look so good in their yard. Right then and there, he decided that he just had to have it. He _needed_ it.

Then he looked at the sign next to it, ‘$299.99’. His heart sank. 

“God dammit!” Hidan slowly pushed the cart past the giant skeleton, looking back at it longingly, “Why’s it gotta be so expensive?!” He couldn’t spend that much on it. But… he loved it. But he couldn’t. Kakuzu would kill him and the cops would be called out for a real corpse.

Once he had paid and was leaving, Hidan looked over his shoulder one last time at the giant skeleton, sad to be leaving him behind. 

* * *

The rest of the day, Hidan couldn’t stop thinking about him, he just could not get him out of his mind. He knew exactly where he would put the skeleton, and was imagining how good he would look in the yard, he would leave him up all year! He thought Kakuzu would like him, too, even if he said otherwise. Hdan couldn't fathom how anyone would not like him! He _loved_ the skeleton!

“Hidan, is something wrong?” Kakuzu asked, cutting through his thoughts.

“Huh? Nothing…” Hidan pushed his food around on his plate.  
  
“You’ve barely eaten your dinner. Are you feeling sick or something bothering you?”  
  
“Nothing’s wrong and I’m not sick. I’m... just thinking.” Thinking about _‘him’,_ Hidan thought. He could never have him though… the price had made it a forbidden love. And wouldn’t mention it to Kakuzu who would think he was being ridiculous. 

“And what are you thinking about?” Kakuzu wanted to know.

“Just… stuff.” 

Kakuzu didn’t seem to believe him and left the table with an irritated huff. 

* * *

It went on for two weeks. Hidan, for the life of him, couldn’t stop thinking about that skeleton, though he tried. The thought of not being able to have him while others could was depressing him so much it was even affecting his sex drive.

Kakuzu noticed. Hidan usually wanted sex, or a hand job, or blow job, or wanted to blow him at least once a day, maybe skipping a day here and there but he hadn’t been interested in anything for nearly a week.

Kakuzu watched as he moped about the house, more and more despondent as each day passed. Whenever Hidan would be on his phone and Kakuzu came up behind him, he quickly hid whatever (or _whoever_ ) he was looking at or messaging with a guilty look. 

Finally, as they shared a weekend breakfast, Hidan made up his mind. He downed his coffee (room temperature, possibly cold, black, no sugar), and then shoved his chair back so violently it toppled over onto the tile floor as he surged to his feet, “That’s it! I can’t take this anymore! I have to have him! Fuck the consequences!” 

Kakuzu wasn’t sure what he just heard, and it took him a moment as Hidan raced to grab his wallet and keys and get to the door, and he shouted, “So! You _are_ cheating on me!” 

But the door slammed shut and he watched from the window as Hidan sped away. The house might be in his name, but he wasn’t going to be there when Hidan got back from his little tryst. Kakuzu had never thought Hidan would cheat on him, and declare it so openly as he went to do it. He had always considered Hidan to be an honest, loyal man, and he always seemed like he was. It didn’t make sense. 

Maybe, Kakuzu thought, he was too harsh on him about spending extra money, and getting upset when Hidan did spend what he considered too much. Maybe he hadn’t taken Hidan out to dinner often enough, or he hadn’t bought him enough gifts. But Hidan knew full well and good what he was getting into when they got together. He knew Kakuzu loved him, knew how much he adored him. They were so good for each other in every single way, what would make Hidan go after someone else?!

It hurt. It hurt physically, and Kakuzu was glad he was sitting and pressed his hand to his chest. He couldn’t stay in the house, _their_ house. He grabbed up Hidan’s empty coffee mug and was about to throw it into the sink, but stopped. It was his favorite mug. Just plain white but Hidan just really liked the shape for some reason, it was tapered at the bottom, not too big and not too small. Hidan couldn’t handle too much coffee, it made him shaky and overly hyper before making him crash and feel sick. But this mug held just the right amount for him. Kakuzu set it down; not gently but not hard enough to break it either.

Angry, and hurting more than he ever had before, Kakuzu went to the bedroom and got out a duffle bag from the closet. He blinked away tears that he refused to let fall. No way was he going to break down and cry over someone who would betray him. He wouldn’t fight for him either, even if he might fight him. Which was why he needed to be gone before Hidan got back, he didn't want to put his hands on him and really hurt him.

If Hidan couldn’t stay loyal, Kakuzu didn’t want him at all. 

* * *

Unable to stop grinning, Hidan pulled into the driveway and hopped out of the car. He had to buy some bungee cords to keep the trunk from flying up as the box holding his prized skeleton was too big to fit in the backseat, and too big to fit in the trunk with it closed. He had even been forced to fold down the backseats to shove the box in. An employee had suggested calling an uber for the skeleton but Hidan refused, not trusting anyone else with his precious skeleton. 

As he was getting it out of the trunk, he saw Kakuzu walk out of the front door and noticed he had a bag packed. “Hey, where’re you going? Want to help me with this?”

“I’m leaving,” Kakuzu snarled, “Why don’t you get ‘him’ to help?!” Kakuzu threw his bag into the backseat of his own car.

“Huh? Who? And… are you alright?” Hidan asked, a look of confusion on his face. It looked like Kakuzu had been crying, and it made his chest constrict, “Did something happen?” 

“ _‘Who?’_ Whoever it is you’ve been secretly pining over for the last two weeks! Whoever it is you shouted that you _‘had to have’_ and ran out the door after! ‘Did something happen?’ God fucking dammit, Hidan! How fucking stupid are you?! How fucking stupid do you think I am?!”

A curtain from the house nextdoor to them lifted a bit and a pair of green eyes framed by red hair peered out at them. Kakuzu didn’t even care about the neighbors. Let them watch and report to the neighborhood app if they wanted!

Hidan swallowed, taking a step back. Kakuzu didn’t often swear like that, or raise his voice so loud, but when he did, it meant he was incredibly angry. Over the span of their entire relationship, Hidan couldn't recall Kakuzu ever raising his voice like that to him, or turning his anger on him. And why would he think he was cheating?

“Cheating?” Hidan frowned, “I’m not cheating! I don’t do shit like that! Is that what you fucking think of me now, you fucking dickhead? You got shit for brains if you do!” 

“Oh you're not are you?!” Kakuzu slammed the door of his car shut so hard he was surprised when the window didn't shatter, and took a step towards Hidan, “Then who have you been moping about for the last two weeks?!” 

Kakuzu saw more movement in the window as Tsunade joined Mei, opening the curtain all the way. They even had drinks and were obviously enjoying the show. Kakuzu glared at them but they simply waved and smiled back.  
  
“Him! The twelve foot skeleton!” Hidan pointed to the trunk, oblivious that they even had an audience, “I saw him when you sent me to Home Depot and couldn’t stop thinking about him! I couldn’t get him off my mind and had to have him! I guess I was acting stupid about it but don’t be angry! I love him!” 

Kakuzu looked around to see what was in the box, half expecting an employee crammed inside of it, but even for Hidan that would have been too far. Then again, this _was_ Hidan and he definitely would do that, Kakuzu told himself.

“You expect me to believe that?! That you're in love with a lawn decoration?! You probably kidnapped an employee and stuffed him in that box!” Kakuzu shouted. 

“It’s a _twelve foot skeleton!”_ Hidan shouted, “It’s the best thing I’ve ever seen! Aside from you and your dick! Of course I love it! But if you don’t apologize to me right fucking now, I’m gonna punch you in the nose! I’m a lot of things but I’m _not_ a cheater!” 

“I’ll apologize once I see what’s really in there! And you'll be the one getting decked, not me!” 

Kakuzu wasn’t convinced, how could a decoration make someone act like that? It was Hidan though, and even after all the years spent together, he still hadn’t completely figured him out. Not that he really wanted to, Hidan always kept him on his toes and he enjoyed that. But this was going a bit far. In love with a lawn decoration... 

Taking a box cutter from somewhere in the trunk, Hidan then slit the tape on the box and opened it. 

Not wasting a second, Kakuzu looked inside. Relief washed over him. There was no employee, just pieces of the skeleton. Very large pieces.

“You really thought I was cheating on you? Who in their right mind would want me other than you?!” Hidan asked, then burst out laughing only to abruptly stop when Kakuzu got in his face and gripped his chin.

“You’re in a world of trouble, Hidan. When we get inside, your ass is mine. So get this shit in the house right now.” He let go of Hidan roughly and went to stand in the doorway and watch Hidan struggle with the oversized box.

“You better fucking help me before I drop him and he gets damaged!” Hidan shouted.

Eventually, they got the box inside and Hidan wasted no time opening it up. He took the head out and Kakuzu sighed. It was absolutely ridiculous. How could someone become so emotionally attached to an inanimate object like that?!

“Look!” Hidan said, eyes full of affection as he looked at the skeleton head, “I’m gonna set it up in the backyard so no one tries to steal him and he can look into our bedroom window and--”  
  
“How much was it?” Kakuzu wanted to know.  
  
“What?”  
  
“How much did this monstrosity cost?” Kakuzu’s hands were in Hidan’s pockets, searching for the receipt and coping a few feels before he found what he was looking for. As he unfolded the slip of paper while Hidan put himself on the other side of the box.

Three hundred dollars… plus tax. Feeling faint, Kakuzu closed his eyes. 

“Are you alright, Kuzu?” Hidan asked, concerned.

“Is this correct? Your decoration cost more than our couch?!”  
  
“To be fair, Kakuzu, you got our couch used at a yard sale!” Hidan shouted back, “And, by the way, I really fucking hate it!”  
  
“Hidan. I’m going to ask you one more time. Did this stupid piece of plastic really cost us three hundred dollars?!” Kakuzu was advancing on his husband, who was, in a show of rare wisdom, moving away as quickly as possible.

“Yes, it fucking did! But you know what? It was worth every last cent!” Hidan shouted as he raced from the room and up the stairs into the bedroom. He went to slam the door but Kakuzu grabbed it with his hands and pushed it open.

“Don’t make me take him back, I love him!” Hidan clutched the skull, “You’ll love him too, just give it time!”  
  
“I’m not going to make you take it back,” Kakuzu wrenched the skull from Hidan’s hands and set it gently on the floor, not wanting to damage such a costly thing. Then he grabbed Hidan, lifting him up, “but it’s going to cost you and you won’t be able to sit for a week!” 

“At least take him out of the bedroom, he doesn’t have to watch this!” Hidan said as he was thrown onto the bed hard and he yelped. Before he was able to roll onto his back, he was grabbed around the ankles and pulled to the edge of the bed and Kakuzu leaned across him to keep him in place.

“Oh I think he should have to watch,” Kakuzu growled as he reached under Hidan’s waist to undo his jeans and yank them off, “You want to keep that thing? Then I better hear you beg and scream.” 

* * *

Half an hour later Kakuzu stood, wearing nothing but his bathrobe, in the front door arguing with the police. Tsunade and Mei had called them about a domestic disturbance after watching their argument and then hearing screams coming from their house. They had been quite concerned for Hidan's safety, and Kakuzu thought that they may actually have been this time. His voice sure could carry when he got going...

Once it was obvious what was really going on, the police left, but only after asking Hidan, also in a robe, if he was certain he was safe and was sure he didn't want to file a report. They told him he could go to the station with them, that he wasn't under arrest. The bite marks on his neck and shoulders didn't do much to ease their concern, nor the faint fingerprint bruises around his wrists. Eventually the police left and Kakuzu closed the door with a soft click, and locked it.

“I want you back in bed,” Kakuzu growled as he untied Hidan's robe and watched it fall open, “I’m going to make sure those two can’t look either of us in the eye ever again.”

A shiver ran through Hidan and he nodded, eyes dark as Kakuzu took his hands, and used the silky tie from his robe to bind them together before leading him back up to the bedroom.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, I'd love to hear from you if you liked it <3


End file.
